YOU THINK I'M QUIET?
i do not blame my mind for it’s theatrics; i pray, and try
to overcome the performance of a lifetime
living
except nothing special ever happens, only death
so until there’s proof in emptiness, i find it
in sitting, waiting for a story i cannot write to fall upon my lap
when you asked me what i wanted
i begged you, get the blinds
and so i used my hands to teach you
about your body, earthquakes, the divides
between us and mankind
the vowels that i wed myself with; the affirmations of mourning; vulnerability survives everything, even you
have you too seen the top of the ivory tower? that acute bliss of creation, made right from your own mouth? the breast which hangs half-heartedly from the towel? the suspension of disbelief until it arrives quite like a friend?
at dawn’s pink answering, my buzzing flesh ceased
life’s bell had called upon me—it was young and miserable then
in black bleating sheep came the pale lying misery
crawling out of me like first light
the self as an expression of desire
dark with smile, a mindless flashing through
an infinite dryness of being
i love to tell you all how i am bigger and better than telling you i will be successful, that i will have it, gauge my audience’s eyes out and make them feel my crystal ball; make them say things like, “when i look into your future, i see love”. that turns me on. your affection, your praise, your enormous vulnerable hesitation to tell me i’ll be anything but good is mouth-watering.
i am in the very same position i catch myself in every year. the ‘how to gift wrap a candle’ search still open on the previous tab, and ‘hopes and dreams for the new year’ note on the next. it feels so very delightful to lay myself down on the floor and assign my twelve tea-light candles a month of the year, pull a tarot card for them and write an entry for each; a vow of gratitude, a meditation which always screams i was alive hereat this time and do not forget i happened to you.
there is something equally beautiful as averse about the structure of discerning evil from good; of knowing where you must avoid human error. as an agnostic, this is the beauty of the concept of sin. yet always, the messy how will follow; just how can you avoid what is essentially nature’s design? there is something to take away from an assessment of a handful of ancient religious sins from a modern agnostic lens. there are many ‘sins’ considered so throughout all religious history, but this article will be solely focusing on the catholic and orthodox christian idea of the seven deadly sins, more specifically the three of them listed in the title: pride, greed, and envy. it’s these three that were chosen from the seven as they seem to hold a much more intimate and applicable relevance to our current society.
but it is just me, i am just the lungs
i am just a soft glow in the middle of the night
waking myself up
i am not made of metal i am made of you
i am young and i love to play
i play on my shins, the curve of my foot arched into my bones, nestled completely
living completely