i will tell you goodnight instead

i’ve been a stoned fool, cold, breaking-out at the melbourne airport bitching about being a sad seven-year-old. you believed it you did. anything i said was just a bit of the back of your throat, and i was reaching wasn’t i mad, to be made of moldy floor, filing off the mold that i was; becoming, becoming, becoming. i believed it. a person i was becoming, coming into it. lying flat, my blotchiest boots buried beneath sinking slow-sand. they call that quick. and i’ve been saying i’ll be airborne by new year’s. i am not a go-getter i am just a pale-faced liar i’ll be out by the time i’m barely over it, you’ve seen me. how i dare to do it i’m always barely itching for the very next worst thing, then i’ve jumped the hurdle at the preface, won the race, back into the cock-pit, fighting for a chance to hear you say the name i’ve heard you say hundreds of times, wrestling other women for white-lights wielding you and me. that tiny glass, too much to drink in the kitchen cup overflowing, yours half-empty. and you say you ask me where the fuck is, where is where did it all go i will be a cluelessly cruel christmas tree ornament. watch me. watch and learn. saying it just one more time until i might die from the shame of it all ‘til i was thirsty, saw how i cried out the last of the water supply and you will never look again, never think again. never think your own thoughts and lose your own things again because they will end up at the foot of my bed each time, an entire imagination throbbing at my toes, slipping up inside me like a hand, like yours reaching for the remnants of what i don’t know. what i think might be goodness i will tell you goodnight instead, switch off all the lights and leave you in bed, a bleached corpse i live and breathe a bask in for love composition all lost but still in you i take what i want and think giving you rest is enough i’d stretch through an overgrown out-wondered space and time, grow mold all over the rest of my body if it meant we could be together again